Someone recently said to me in a spiritual context that being born to earth is a hard undertaking...that it takes a strong person...
The last 24 hours have been a harsh reminder of that statement and you have to consider the truth in it when you think of what some have to endure when they finally get here...war, cancer, violence...the list is endless.
I was raised to believe that we are only handed in life what 'God' thinks we can handle. I don't believe that much anymore, as life, experience and growth have taught me that sometimes people find themselves in less than ideal situations due to things, structures, rules, perceptions...etc that are beyond their control despite their best efforts to create something beautiful for themselves. For instance, I take issue with the fact that according to some 'God' believes so many of us can cope with varying degrees of poverty in our lives. We then make choices as a result of these situations we find ourselves in and sometimes they are not the best. However, before we judge someone for their choices we should consider their realities, realize the fact that there is something really messed up about the society we live in, help them make better choices (assuming another possibility is available) and work to make this place an easier place to live.
This is not to say that we should not take responsibility for our choices, it's just not that simple sometimes is all.
Its been a long day and hopefully this makes some sense. This post is simply a way for me to reflect on these reminders I have been given in an indirect way and process the feelings within me. Specifics do not matter now, only positive outcomes.
As for me specifically and in way to end this entry on somewhat of a positive note, this world is hard to live in at times, but I am now grateful for some of the lessons I have learned as a result of my own realities. I am grateful for the people in my life who help make things a little easier, who remind me of my purpose and fill me with love and light, especially in those moments when I need it most.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
A Release
I wrote this 2ish days ago and realized I did not transfer it.
I feel like I am so close to having everything I ever wanted in life with the exception of the one thing that seems to be putting a stop to everything else, so in a way I also feel like I have nothing. I am a gemini, so I have gotten used to having two strong feelings about what is occuring in my life. Hope and saddness equally fill my heart right now. I fought so hard for love in my life, the kind that some would die for and the kind that embraces you for who you are, the good, bad and the ugly. Now that I feel like I have found that in some people in life, I am coming to the sad conclusion that maybe love isn't enough. Not when I reqiure money and ultimately a place of my own to truly embrace these loves in the ways I really would like to.
My current evironment/circumstances are slowly sucking the passion out of me. I am a strong person, but this has really become too much for me. I have worked so hard not to crumble as a result of the stresses in my life, but I feel like I have little to show for that work. I know some would argue against that. Recently, I have felt lifeless in a living body. The continued presence of my physical being means little to me when my spirit/what is at the core of me feels drained...numb.
I am just tired of constantly fighting. Fighting against the ridiculous behaviours of some in my life. Fighting for every good thing that has come to me in life. Fighting not to give in and let go. Rest is needed.
I am holding onto a wavering faith that somehow I make it to the next chapter with my spirit intact and with these loves beside me. Waiting for the clouds to part, rainbow to appear and for the flame within me to grow strong again.
I feel like I am so close to having everything I ever wanted in life with the exception of the one thing that seems to be putting a stop to everything else, so in a way I also feel like I have nothing. I am a gemini, so I have gotten used to having two strong feelings about what is occuring in my life. Hope and saddness equally fill my heart right now. I fought so hard for love in my life, the kind that some would die for and the kind that embraces you for who you are, the good, bad and the ugly. Now that I feel like I have found that in some people in life, I am coming to the sad conclusion that maybe love isn't enough. Not when I reqiure money and ultimately a place of my own to truly embrace these loves in the ways I really would like to.
My current evironment/circumstances are slowly sucking the passion out of me. I am a strong person, but this has really become too much for me. I have worked so hard not to crumble as a result of the stresses in my life, but I feel like I have little to show for that work. I know some would argue against that. Recently, I have felt lifeless in a living body. The continued presence of my physical being means little to me when my spirit/what is at the core of me feels drained...numb.
I am just tired of constantly fighting. Fighting against the ridiculous behaviours of some in my life. Fighting for every good thing that has come to me in life. Fighting not to give in and let go. Rest is needed.
I am holding onto a wavering faith that somehow I make it to the next chapter with my spirit intact and with these loves beside me. Waiting for the clouds to part, rainbow to appear and for the flame within me to grow strong again.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Journey towards love...
There were days where I never thought I would find love. Love as I thought it should be. My journey towards love was a struggle. My family life rarely provided the best examples and the prescence of my disability seemed to make me untouchable (litterally!) to the opposite sex in my teen years. Like alot of other people believe, guys I was into thought that people with disabilities were not capable of maintaining healthy relationships and/or having sex! This obviously is not true. At times, you may just need to communicate and get a little creative, depending on the individual! Personally, I think promoting creativity and communication in relationships is a good thing. If I was able to vocalize these thoughts back then maybe things would have been different, but like every other girl around me at the time, I to was just trying to be comfortable in my own skin. A part of me also figured it was better to be on my own than waste my time convincing guys I was worth being with. If they were smart enough, they would figure it out.
These experiences caused me to seek out love externally (through friends) or completely shut myself off to the experience all together. I was the best friend and the one people could always count on for realiable relationship advice. To some extent this baffled me because I personally had nothing to drawn upon. I learned what I wanted out of a relationship by observing the people around me.
I am now a month away from ackowledging 8 years of romantic love, so we must be doing something right! It still feels a little surreal after all this time. I do not want to sound cliche, but it is a love that was litterally an answer to my prayers-to whoever I thought was listening. I literally asked for a romantic love that would not harm me in the ways I had seen or felt, that was unconditional and that would accept me as I am and while I do not think things are perfect between us, (I don't expect that), all those things are there.
I feel society puts so much emphasis on romantic love. I have always been a believer in cherishing many forms of love. Afterall, there are people in my life who loved me before him and we were friends first. I have also learned that self love is the most important, but can be the most challenging. Its a process with ups and downs that is ongoing, but some degree of it neccessary if you want the other relationships in your life to be healthy and nurture you.
Self love is present in your refusal to accept nothing less than what you deserve.
However, I would be lying if I did not acknowledge the positives that have come out of this romantic love. I feel stronger, more confident and at peace. A part of me also takes comfort in the fact that we have litterally grown up together. No one else knows me better and I have nothing to hide. Every emotion has been experienced. I have been at my worst and best.
Take from that what you will. All of this is a process, that is ongoing and changes. For some the change leads to a love fades, for others it gets stronger. For me, love is multifaceted. I am slowly learning to love myself more regardless of my flaws and appreciate those who continue to love me despite my highs and lows. For additional reading, feel free to check out:
The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness
Communicate, be open enough to try things a different way, to expand your definition of what it means to be sexual and in the end, cherish any form of positive love that comes your way!
These experiences caused me to seek out love externally (through friends) or completely shut myself off to the experience all together. I was the best friend and the one people could always count on for realiable relationship advice. To some extent this baffled me because I personally had nothing to drawn upon. I learned what I wanted out of a relationship by observing the people around me.
I am now a month away from ackowledging 8 years of romantic love, so we must be doing something right! It still feels a little surreal after all this time. I do not want to sound cliche, but it is a love that was litterally an answer to my prayers-to whoever I thought was listening. I literally asked for a romantic love that would not harm me in the ways I had seen or felt, that was unconditional and that would accept me as I am and while I do not think things are perfect between us, (I don't expect that), all those things are there.
I feel society puts so much emphasis on romantic love. I have always been a believer in cherishing many forms of love. Afterall, there are people in my life who loved me before him and we were friends first. I have also learned that self love is the most important, but can be the most challenging. Its a process with ups and downs that is ongoing, but some degree of it neccessary if you want the other relationships in your life to be healthy and nurture you.
Self love is present in your refusal to accept nothing less than what you deserve.
However, I would be lying if I did not acknowledge the positives that have come out of this romantic love. I feel stronger, more confident and at peace. A part of me also takes comfort in the fact that we have litterally grown up together. No one else knows me better and I have nothing to hide. Every emotion has been experienced. I have been at my worst and best.
Take from that what you will. All of this is a process, that is ongoing and changes. For some the change leads to a love fades, for others it gets stronger. For me, love is multifaceted. I am slowly learning to love myself more regardless of my flaws and appreciate those who continue to love me despite my highs and lows. For additional reading, feel free to check out:
The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness
Communicate, be open enough to try things a different way, to expand your definition of what it means to be sexual and in the end, cherish any form of positive love that comes your way!
Monday, May 17, 2010
A birth story
So I was watching the pregnancy and birth stories that were on TLC tonight and they deserve some reflection just on their own, but the inspiration behind this post is my upcoming 27th birthday.
My birthday always stirs up mixed emotions. For one, I am slowly getting to the point in life where an individual does not enjoy getting older and wishes that they could be 25 forever. On the other hand, it marks another year of growth that deserves celebration.
I was taught the lesson that life is precious from day one. This is due to the fact that I almost died at birth. I was born approx. three months prior to my due date coming in at barely two pounds. The joke now is that I was in a rush to make my mark on the world and that I if I was aware of the rollercoaster ride that life on the outside could be that maybe I would have stayed in there a little longer.
It was complicated and my odds were not good. Preterm labour that resulted in a c-section, long period of sepration and a rush to The Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto for treatment. Difficult decisions were made around life or death issues. At some point I was given too much oxygen which later resulted in a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy. The cool kids call it CP for short. The doctors said I may never walk and talk. I walk just fine with the help of some assistive devices and I have a college diploma and two social work degrees to my name, so the message here is that doctors are sometimes wrong!
I am grateful for my life given the alternative I was presented with. Life with a disability can definately sometimes be a challenge, but unlike what some might think when they look at me, I do not consider it the gratest obstacle I have faced in my life. CP can present in different ways and can vary in severity. Mine specifically falls in a mild to moderate catergory and mostly affects my lower limbs. I do not want to use too much medical jargon. It is the inaccessibility of buildings, a lack of information and people's perceptions about what it is like to live with a disability that is often the most challenging to deal with. Yes, there are unqiue issues that may arise, but those can be managed.
I did not always talk about my disability is the way I do now and sometimes I do wish I could wake up and find that it no longer exists. I think it is only human to feel that way from time to time. On the other hand, it has given me a unique way in which to see the world, has motivated me and probually inspired some of my most valued relationships. So in those realities, I am finding acceptance.
So with that all being said, here is a website for your reference about CP and related topics that has aided me in my own learning. I would encourage you to glance at it and seek out additional information..
Thanks for reading!
Ontario Federation for Cerebral Palsy
http://www.ofcp.on.ca/
My birthday always stirs up mixed emotions. For one, I am slowly getting to the point in life where an individual does not enjoy getting older and wishes that they could be 25 forever. On the other hand, it marks another year of growth that deserves celebration.
I was taught the lesson that life is precious from day one. This is due to the fact that I almost died at birth. I was born approx. three months prior to my due date coming in at barely two pounds. The joke now is that I was in a rush to make my mark on the world and that I if I was aware of the rollercoaster ride that life on the outside could be that maybe I would have stayed in there a little longer.
It was complicated and my odds were not good. Preterm labour that resulted in a c-section, long period of sepration and a rush to The Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto for treatment. Difficult decisions were made around life or death issues. At some point I was given too much oxygen which later resulted in a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy. The cool kids call it CP for short. The doctors said I may never walk and talk. I walk just fine with the help of some assistive devices and I have a college diploma and two social work degrees to my name, so the message here is that doctors are sometimes wrong!
I am grateful for my life given the alternative I was presented with. Life with a disability can definately sometimes be a challenge, but unlike what some might think when they look at me, I do not consider it the gratest obstacle I have faced in my life. CP can present in different ways and can vary in severity. Mine specifically falls in a mild to moderate catergory and mostly affects my lower limbs. I do not want to use too much medical jargon. It is the inaccessibility of buildings, a lack of information and people's perceptions about what it is like to live with a disability that is often the most challenging to deal with. Yes, there are unqiue issues that may arise, but those can be managed.
I did not always talk about my disability is the way I do now and sometimes I do wish I could wake up and find that it no longer exists. I think it is only human to feel that way from time to time. On the other hand, it has given me a unique way in which to see the world, has motivated me and probually inspired some of my most valued relationships. So in those realities, I am finding acceptance.
So with that all being said, here is a website for your reference about CP and related topics that has aided me in my own learning. I would encourage you to glance at it and seek out additional information..
Thanks for reading!
Ontario Federation for Cerebral Palsy
http://www.ofcp.on.ca/
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Introduction to Silent Words
Welcome to the 'silent' words of my heart that I will begin to share in this blog, but before I get to any of that, I feel some background information and disclaimers are required.
My hope is that one day some of the ideas and thoughts expressed in this blog will find their way into a book. This has not always been an aspiration of mine, but is now something that I am seriously considering thanks the encouragement of some individuals in my life. The reality is that my life has and continues to provide me with a lot of potential material to work with and my goal is to always attempt to turn the good and difficult things that life has thrown at me into something positive.
The silent words of my heart revealed refers to issues and/or concepts in my life that are close to my heart and that I once struggled to reveal to those around me and in some cases litterally remained silent about. Struggles obviously still exisit (afterall I am human), but my ultimate desires are to find peace and acceptance within myself and create those things with people around me.
With that being said, my hope for this blog (for any individual who may come across it) is to share some personal narrative and to increase their awareness about some of the issues that have touched my life. I plan to do this by discussing the potential struggle I have had in regards to particular issues, personal progress being made and through sharing practical information/resources.
This will not be a tell all blog, more like reflections with related information/links for reference. I also have knowledge/awareness of the topics I will be discussing as they relate to me, but I do not claim to be an expert. Ultimately, I hope this blog will serve as another means to accomplish the desires I mentioned above and prehaps any book I write will help or encourage others to break silences in their lives, should that be what they want for themselves.
More to come.
My hope is that one day some of the ideas and thoughts expressed in this blog will find their way into a book. This has not always been an aspiration of mine, but is now something that I am seriously considering thanks the encouragement of some individuals in my life. The reality is that my life has and continues to provide me with a lot of potential material to work with and my goal is to always attempt to turn the good and difficult things that life has thrown at me into something positive.
The silent words of my heart revealed refers to issues and/or concepts in my life that are close to my heart and that I once struggled to reveal to those around me and in some cases litterally remained silent about. Struggles obviously still exisit (afterall I am human), but my ultimate desires are to find peace and acceptance within myself and create those things with people around me.
With that being said, my hope for this blog (for any individual who may come across it) is to share some personal narrative and to increase their awareness about some of the issues that have touched my life. I plan to do this by discussing the potential struggle I have had in regards to particular issues, personal progress being made and through sharing practical information/resources.
This will not be a tell all blog, more like reflections with related information/links for reference. I also have knowledge/awareness of the topics I will be discussing as they relate to me, but I do not claim to be an expert. Ultimately, I hope this blog will serve as another means to accomplish the desires I mentioned above and prehaps any book I write will help or encourage others to break silences in their lives, should that be what they want for themselves.
More to come.
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